It may not seem like a big deal, but it was for me. I actually went out like this yesterday, and saw my boyfriend. Probably the person who I’m most conscious about how I look around. So going outside without my normal full eye makeup on was a big thing for me, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, but I do. I loathe every inch of myself. I constantly think about what people see when they look at me. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve found it so hard to leave my house to go anywhere without a full face of makeup caked onto my skin. And because of this constant hate for oneself I also find it hard to be proud of anything I’ve done.
But yesterday I was proud of myself. I was proud of myself for breaking the cycle of having to go out with all of my usual makeup on. I didn’t put any pencil eyeliner or black eyeshadow on, and if you look at my other photos you’ll see I wear a lot of pencil eyeliner and black eyeshadow. And I didn’t feel like I couldn’t leave the house yesterday. I actually did it, I went out without those two things on. Not only that, but I saw people too. I think I can do it now, I think some days I’ll be able to do this again. I’ll be able to go to college without it all. And I’m actually proud of myself for that, I don’t give a fuck if that sounds pathetic and really stupid. But to hell with it all.